No Greater Love | Day 3

This is Day 3 of “No Greater Love.” Be sure and read Day 1 and Day 2!

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No greater love…

Comes with purpose…
Purpose in each and every little detail…
A perfect plan.

Comes with healing…
True healing…
Healing that can only come from God.

“When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.” John 8:12

No greater love…

“Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.” John 15:13

Can you imagine giving your life for the sake of another? How great is that love?

“The soldiers took charge of Jesus. Carrying his own cross, he went out to the place of the Skull. There they crucified him.” John 19:17

He gave His life for me…and you.

He walked that road an innocent man, a saint, a healer, a comforter, a friend. He hung on that cross a mighty warrior, knowing what was to come. A moment of suffering was nothing compared to what He knew was coming.

“Therefore we do not lose heart, but though our outer man is decaying, yet our inner man is being renewed day by day. For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison, while we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen; for the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal.” 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

On that day, a man laid down His life for ours.
His body was laid inside a tomb.
And days later, the stone was rolled away.

God’s not dead! (Shameless plug…God’s Not Dead 2 comes out in theaters soon!)

He’s Alive!

“Don’t be alarmed,” he said. “You are looking for Jesus the Nazarene, who was crucified. He has risen! He is not here. See the place where they laid him. Mark 16:7

Just as God had planned, he would send a savior into the world, a final sacrifice, the ultimate love. He sent His son, Jesus Christ, to die there on that cross atop Calvary, for us.

What a beautiful love!

Our Creator God came in the flesh to bear the wounds we deserved so we wouldn’t have to.

“The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the one and only Son, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth.” John 1:14

Mercy and grace at its fullest.

“Behold, an hour is coming, and has already come, for you to be scattered, each to his own home, and to leave Me alone; and yet I am not alone, because the Father is with Me. “These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world.” John 16:32-33

We have a purpose. God has a plan. His plan is a perfect place for us…those who love Him.

“We love because He first loved us.” 1 John 4:19

We live in a broken world, but in a life of momentary affliction because He says, these troubles are temporary but the beauty that is to come is eternal. Friend, I can only imagine that these trials we face in this brief life on earth is nothing, absolutely nothing, compared to the majesty that will one day be revealed.

And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Look! God’s dwelling place is now among the people, and he will dwell with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God.” Revelation 21:3

We have healing. In all our struggles, all our pain, all our suffering, we have help. We have hope.

“I lift up my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.” Psalm 121:1-2

Friends, know this…

He wins. God wins.

Darkness cannot overcome light. Evil cannot overcome a good God…and He is good. We may not always understand. We may never understand.

“And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:7

But He knows. He knows what’s behind us and what’s to come. He knows our hopes and our heartaches.

He loves you.

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. John 3:16

He loves you. There is no greater love.

Happy Easter…He lives!

 

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No Greater Love | Day 2

Welcome to day 2 of a three day series of the greatest love story. If you missed day 1, please check it out here. Then come back and join me as I share my own thoughts about His amazing grace and His beautiful love for us.

Friend, I’m praying for you…praying you find my words helpful and His truth healing.

We were created to need Him. Without sin, we were unable to fully see that need. But with sin, comes suffering and pain. And because He knew we would suffer, He gave us His Son…

“The soldiers twisted together a crown of thorns and put it on his head.” John 19:3

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First, let me tell you a little story about the image above…since we’re talking about love. My sweet friends, Shane and Christy, allowed me to photograph this beautiful, yet heart wrenching crown of thorns. I couldn’t look at it without knowing just how big God’s love for us is. Shane crafted this crown of thorns with his own hands and then gifted it to his beautiful bride, an example of his love and the ultimate love.

We live in a perfect world, created by a perfect God who allowed imperfections, sin, and satan. Why? Why would God allow so much devastation, pain, horror? Many stories in the Bible share evils we can’t even begin to understand. We know stories of war, death, disease, and so much more. There is pain and suffering all around us.

And…there is healing.

“Oh Lord, my God, I cried out to You and You healed me.” Psalm 30:2

What a beautiful thing…healing.

My six year old daughter is playing soccer. She seems to enjoy these bumps and bruises she is racking up on the playing field. A few times recently, she has shown me some of these “battle wounds” as we refer to them. Each time, I remind her how within a few days, they will heal and how amazing it is that God designed our bodies with the ability to heal themselves.

We don’t have to do anything to a bruise for it to heal.

“…I am the Lord God who heals you.” Exodus 15:26

Sure, some wounds need extra help but isn’t it amazing to think that our Creator made our bodies in such a way that they could heal themselves? And beyond that amazement, He gave us the ultimate Healer for the things He knew we could not possibly heal on our own.

We, born into lives filled with sin, unable to truly right our wrongs or wipe away the disastrous results of our bad choices, mistakes, and sin. We cause pain in our own lives and we cause it in the lives of those around us. Sometimes, we do this without intent and other times, we do it with full intent of causing pain or harm.

“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” Psalm 147:3

We are incapable of repairing the damage done by our own sins and the sins of others.

But God…

Knowing this, being part of His grand design and plan, sent us the ultimate healing in His Son, Jesus Christ who would walk this earth as a man, showing us the perfect example of how to live and how to love and He would ultimately go to the grave for our sake, in our place.

He would bear the wounds meant for us.

“But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed.” Isaiah 53:5

And as only the Son of God could, He arose, to save us from our sins and fill us with the Holy Spirit that directs us, guides us, comforts us…Only God.

One Father, One Son, One Holy Spirit – Three in One…Only God.

“I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.” Galatians 2:20

God didn’t allow sin for sin to destroy us. I believe God allowed sin to show us our great need for Him, to draw us closer to Him, so we could understand the beauty in mercy, grace, hope, peace, faith, and love. By knowing suffering, we also know beauty. By knowing pain, we can know healing. By knowing Him, we can be healed.

“He himself bore our sins” in his body on the cross, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; “by his wounds you have been healed.” 1 Peter 2:24

God didn’t give us life to turn us over to death. He gave us death to give us life.

“For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.” Philippians 1:21

Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it.” Matthew 16:24-25

Read the rest of my thoughts on this amazing love story in Day 3.

 

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No Greater Love | Day 1

Today is the first of a three day series of what I believe to be the greatest love story ever told…Let’s begin with purpose.

“The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Purpose? Yes, purpose.

Take a breath. Grab a cup of coffee. Snuggle under your favorite blanket and ponder my thoughts. Know, my friend, that as I write this, I’m wishing we could be sitting in a coffee shop sharing a conversation face to face or in the comfort of my living room, enjoying the presence of wisdom and wonder together. But since this computer is what we have, let’s embrace it. Hello friend…there is purpose!

From the moment our hearts pump their first drop of blood, there is purpose.

In an instant, that purpose is life.

Some never take their first breath, but rest assured, they lived. For however short a time their heart beat inside their mothers womb, they were known. They were loved. They lived.

“When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.” Psalm 139:16

Known. Loved. Life.

Each and every heart that beats has been known, loved, and lived.

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How can that be?

We live in a horribly broken world with devastation surrounding us daily. A quick glimpse of the news is enough to make any stomach churn. How can every single heartbeat be known, loved and live? Babies die every day. Children are abandoned. Mother’s and Father’s forsake, abuse, murder. Lives are tossed aside as if they have no meaning, no point, no purpose…like garbage or waste.

“Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Does he not leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it? And when he finds it, he joyfully puts it on his shoulders and goes home. Then he calls his friends and neighbors together and says, ‘Rejoice with me; I have found my lost sheep.’ I tell you that in the same way there will be more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who do not need to repent.” Luke 15:4-7

But…each and every single heart that beats has been known, loved, and lived…by The One who created him, who knit him together in his mother’s womb. Not one went unloved.

“This is the will of Him who sent me, that I shall not lose none of all that He has given me, but raise them up at the last day. For my Father’s will is that everyone who looks to the Son and believes in Him shall have eternal life, and I will raise him up at the last day.” John 6:39-40

Not one. Not one life that chooses to believe. Not one heartbeat, whether is beats a thousand times for a thousand years or only once. Not one life that chooses Him will be lost. Can you believe that, my friend?

There is purpose.
In every beat of the heart. In yours, in mine, in the tiniest, most fragile heart.
There is purpose.

In the beginning, God created. None of us can claim that. We can’t take any credit for the trees, the stars, the clouds, the mountains, the ocean, and so on. We can’t even claim the own children who grow in our womb. Sure, we can do things to grow life, to sustain things but there is only One who can claim each and every creation.

He created the earth and from the dust of the earth, He breathed life into man…into us. And to the dust, our bodies will return. Each and every one of us. No one thats heart has beat escapes life and no one whose heart has stopped escapes death…in the physical sense. But every single heart that beats, lives…and every single life that lives has purpose.

That purpose can’t be explained by evolution, science, or even by our faith. We can’t prove our purpose beyond sharing our feelings and thoughts about the subject.

But there is purpose.

Otherwise, we simply wouldn’t exist. Without a reason, there isn’t a need.

Like…in the beginning, God created everything. He spoke the world into existence. And man, and woman; He breathed life into them. We can’t truly understand any of that because it’s simply beyond our ability to understand.

But purpose…Adam and Eve get blamed for all the worlds problems but Christians agree that God makes no mistakes. So, when we blame Adam and Eve for their bad choices, poor judgment, or lack of obedience, aren’t we essentially saying God made a mistake? That He created everything perfect and yet somehow, everything ended up imperfect? That sin was an accident, an afterthought, a big oops?

My point is this…even in sin, there is purpose. God allowed sin for a reason. I don’t have all the answers, and thankfully, I never will…because honestly, I don’t think I could handle that. And that’s probably exactly why we don’t have all the answers…because God knows, we’re confused enough as it is!

God does not make mistakes. He can’t. He is perfect and we are His perfect creations…sin and all.

Sin? Sin is bad…right? So why would God allow sin in a perfect world?

Without sin, we would have no true need for Him. Without sin, we would have no glory to reveal, no savior for saving. The point, the purpose, is to reveal God’s glory, to shine the light of Christ, to know Him, and to make Him known. Without sin, there would be no need for Him…and the purpose is to know Him, to need Him, to love Him, and to be loved by Him. Without sin, the world in which we live would already be perfect and we would miss out on all the glory and goodness He provides. We would know no different.

With sin, the ability to discern a difference between light and darkness, was born. With sin, came an understanding that we are not God but we are God’s, we need Him. With sin, came a desperate need for something more, something beyond our own explanations and comprehension. With sin, came pain and suffering, but with pain and suffering comes healing.

“God has saved us and called us to a holy life — not because of anything we have done but because of His own purpose and grace. This grace was given us in Christ Jesus before the beginning of time, but it has now been revealed through the appearing of our Savior, Christ Jesus, who has destroyed death and has brought life and immortality to light through the gospel.” 2 Timothy 1:9-10

Does that mean sin is good or okay? No. It just means there is purpose in it, even when we can’t understand.

“And we know that in all things God works for for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to His purpose.” Romans 8:28

What then, would be the purpose in sin? Sin separates us from God. Sin destroys life. Because of sin, physical death exists and because of sin, grace exists. Because of sin, we are weak. Because of sin, we are broken. Because of sin, we need. Because of sin, we need a savior. Because of sin, we need healing. Without sin, there would be no suffering and without suffering, we would need no savior. Because God allowed sin, we get to see the goodness of His glory in the presence of our Savior, His Son, Jesus Christ. Because of sin we need Him, and because He loves us, He gave us His Son…to give us life.

“He was pierced for our transgressions, He was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon Him, and by His wounds, we are healed.” Isaiah 53:8

“After the suffering of his soul, he will see the light of life and be satisfied.” Isaiah 53:11

You see, it is through our suffering that we have the ability to really see Him, how greatly we need Him, and to fully recognize the emptiness we have without Him. It is through that sin which gave us over to death, that He has overcome to give us life. There is purpose…to see His might and glory…to create in us a need for Him and to provide healing.

“But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Romans 5:8

And on that note, ponder a while on healing. I’ll be back tomorrow to pick up where I left off here. I hope you’ll join me again as we explore together this great love story. Click here for Day 2.

“Our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.” Romans 8:18

 

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Grace: Mom Grace…

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That kid…she’s pretty cool…most days (we all have our moments, right?!)

She calls me mom.
We call her Olivia, Livi, Liv, Livi Grace, and “The Giggler.”

She’s almost always smiling.
Everyone comments about her giggle (hence the nickname “The Giggler”)

She loves school.
She loves to read.
She loves that she can tie her shoes.
She loves her teacher.
She loves getting on purple (the best behavior color).
She LOVES art.

She loves to color, draw, paint, craft, use scissors, make messes, and not clean up!

She loves her brothers (aka “Stinky” and “Smelly”) sometimes.
She loves her friends.
She loves soccer.

She has her own “style.”
She loves bags, paper, pens, stickers (she gets that from me!).

That kid is full of energy, joy, and fun. She makes me laugh daily. And best of all, she calls me mom.

But some days, I let myself go there…you know the place…that ugly place where I feel sorry for her that she *has* to call me mom. That place where I think she got “the short end of the stick,” “the raw end of the deal,” etc.

Why do I do that?
Why do we, as moms, do that?
Why do we beat ourselves up when we don’t feel we are up to par?

That picture up there…that was from last week. The kids had silly hat day and together, Olivia and I came up with a crown, covered in shiny owls, shamrocks, gold washi tape, and more. She loved it! She called herself the “Cloverleaf Queen.” And of course, we captured the moment with a photo. I was the best mom ever!

For weeks now, all I have heard her talk about is Letterland day. She had this grand plan to be “Golden Girl.” She was excited, I was excited…but being me, human that is, I completely forgot about Letterland day. I even had a reminder from a friend just a few days ago, and still, this morning my little sunshine, my “Golden Girl,” headed off to school in her normal “style” without a pretty “G” or anything fancy and “golden” going on.

It was a mom fail.
Fail #2,345,678 or something like that.
The two boys ahead of her racked in most of those mom fails.

Being blessing #3 has it’s ups and downs. The fact that she is THE GIRL, gets her bonus points…especially after two boys. I never cared much for pink and purple until I was sooooooo tired of blue and red. That girl…yep, her room is PINK AND PURPLE (and I love it)!

And being THE GIRL who also loves art and crafty stuff gets her more bonus points with me because I love those things too! We work on our planners together. We color together. She crafts while I draw or read. It’s a wonderful life. Ahh, bliss!

Then there’s the part where I’m so over the whole mom thing, like PTO/PTA, classroom helper, snack provider, etc. See the boys got the best of it. Actually blessing #1 got the most because way back then, I was even on the PTA with a title and all (don’t remember my title now…I’ve blocked those memories…or they were just that long ago, LOL!). Blessing #2 got a few classroom party visits from mom, a couple of birthday lunches here and there, and the occasional cool points for dress up days. Blessing #3…well, I thought that because she’s THE GIRL and the fact there’s no babies on her heels, I’d be the coolest mom with her…you know, the one that’s always around, always helping, always seen, always available, always perfect?!

Well, guess what…that perfect mom DOES NOT EXIST!

You can argue with me on that, but I am 99.9% sure that mom is nowhere to be found. If you are her, then come give me lessons! Otherwise, stand back, smile, and give me grace! I’ll do the same for you!

Grace is a hot topic in this house lately. See I’m teaching a Bible study on Grace…but you know what? I think it’s really the other way around. It’s teaching me…God’s teaching me. God knows I’m stubborn…so stubborn. And He has to drill things home for me to get them. He knows I’m much more likely to teach others than to teach myself but by teaching others, He teaches me way more than I ever imagined I needed to know. So, He’s teaching me grace.

And today, I’m giving myself “Mom Grace.”

My girl was not “Golden Girl.”
I slept in (and enjoyed it).
It didn’t even cross my mind.
She will survive.
I’ll tell her, “You’ll always be my golden girl.”

And I’ll tell her, “I’m sorry.”
I’ll tell her, “I love you!”
I’ll ask her to extend grace.

And when I see other mom fails, I’ll remember this day…and I’ll extend “Mom Grace” to them!

Take it easy on you…this whole being a mom thing is tough. Don’t compare because there’s not a single other mother out there doing a better job than you! Just ask your kiddos! (but catch them on a good day and preferably not during puberty or the teenage years…because their brains don’t function properly at that point and you most likely will not get the right answer. Catch them before they’re a tween or after they’ve got their own kids!).

Grace, people. Grace! Today, extend mom grace!

 

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Update and book suggestions…

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Hey y’all! Today’s post is a nice laid back update :)  Here’s answers to a few questions…

What have you been up to?

Well, I’m in school full-time. I’m hoping to graduate in May with my Associates in Arts degree and then transfer and pursue a Bachelors in English. As if that isn’t enough, I’m heading into week three of teaching a new study on Grace at church. I’m also involved in a Tuesday morning Bible study with some amazing and dear women. I couldn’t do life without them and am so grateful God brought them into my life…just when I needed them! And of course I have the normal every day stuff…husband, kids, dog, and life. But ya know what…that last one, life…it’s good to be able to say I have life! Praise God. Last year this time, I couldn’t say that.

What’s up with the new things coming?

Well, I’m glad you asked! I posted back at the new year that big things were coming…they still are. I’m a little slow on that mostly because I’m focusing on school to make sure I graduate! I haven’t forgotten and ideas are being born and tweaked! Things are coming! For now, I can tell you there are plans for more regular posts on here. I have a very looooonnnnnngggg list of topics and hope to get those written and scheduled so they go out regularly. I’m looking at probably 2 to 3 posts a week for my goal. Also, other social media outlets are coming. If you don’t know about Periscope, check it out. I plan to start a 5-minute morning soon. Periscope is similar to YouTube, only it’s live. Basically, you would see me and be able to comment as I talk. I can’t plan anything with too much pressure right now so these 5-minute mornings seem like the best way to go. Topics will range from everyday life, parenting, Bible study, planner and journaling related things, and more. Basically a hodge podge of topics but the point is, I’ll be there. What I’ve realized from watching others on Periscope is that they become family. They become part of your life. You see them and you get to know them. It’s hard when you don’t see them for days and you wonder about them. Because I want to shine His light, I hope my 5-minute mornings will bring joy to your day! So, that’s in the works. I’m also on Twitter and YouTube. My YouTube videos are mostly planner related for now. (Did you know there’s a whole world of women obsessed with planners, paper, pens, stickers, and all that fun stuff?)

What are your book suggestions?

Right now, I’m reading a pile of books…and most of them have a shared theme. Grace & Identity. I’ve been reading these for the Bible study I’m teaching. The study is called, “Finding Your Place by Knowing His Grace.” Right now, it’s only available to the class I’m currently involved with but at some point I may take all my research and notes and write it up to share. It’s so worth digging into and one of the most crucial parts of this life to understand.

Books:

I Know His Name by Wendy Blight
Because He Loves me by Elyse M. Fitzpatrick
You’re Already Amazing by Holley Gerth
Lord, I Need Grace to Make It Today by Kay Arthur
Victory Over the Darkness by Neil T. Anderson
In My Father’s House by Mary A. Kassian

If you’re looking for a good book, any of these would be a great one to grab. Grace is the foundation of God’s love for us. It’s His unwavering, unending love and acceptance…of You and me! It’s His precious gift to us. Understanding His grace opens the door to a life meant for living. If you aren’t sure about grace, have questions about it, or just want to know more, pick up any one of these books and start there. And I’d love to hear from you. If you have questions or thoughts you want to chat about, email me!

So, that’s it for now! Don’t worry…I’ll be back soon.

Want to help me? A couple things I’d really appreciate…your prayers. Prayers for what’s to come here and through other social media…that God would keep me humble and grounded, obedient and consistent, fully relying on Him. And also, share this out…my blog, Periscope, Twitter, Facebook page and so on. It’s not about the numbers but every life that has a chance to hear is the possibility of another life changed. Help me extend that grace. Let’s shine His light!

Love & Blessings,

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Free to be free…

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Freedom is defined as “the power or right to act, speak, or think as one wants without hindrance or restraint.

Voluntary.
Without restraint.
Without cost.
To set at liberty.
(NIV Life Application Study Bible)

One year ago today, I was seeking freedom. Desperate to escape from a lifetime of hurts, I attempted to take my own life. If you haven’t read my story about that February day, please take the time to read it here and then come back.

Now that you’re all caught up, let’s talk about freedom.

Last year, I thought ending my life would bring me the freedom I desired. The depression I have suffered my whole life, the nightmares that still plague my sleep, the memories and flashbacks of pain and abuse, would all be gone. I had no doubt that God would understand and welcome me home. I would finally be free.

“Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the LORD’s purpose that prevails.” Proverbs 19:21

When my plans failed, I faced a cruel reality that any freedom I had would soon be gone as well. I ended up spending three days in a mental hospital, for my own safety of course. Having never been in an actual prison, I can only imagine I had less freedoms than those behind bars. Everything, and I mean everything, was taken away from me. Physically, I had nothing. I also had no rights. All of the freedoms we enjoy daily, were stripped away. I had to ask permission to do anything and even those things were very limited.

I had to ask to use the restroom or take a shower.
I had to wait for someone to unlock the restroom door.
I had to ask for a pen and paper.
I was given the guts of a pen.
I had to ask to make a phone call.

I had to eat when they said eat.
I had to eat even if I didn’t want to.
I had to sleep when they said sleep, even if I couldn’t sleep.

There was no internet (no quick answers on Google, no Facebook, no emails…okay, maybe there was freedom with that, LOL!), no freedom to watch whatever I wanted on the one small television in the group room, no freedom to listen to the radio or any music, no freedom to call whomever I wanted, whenever I wanted, no freedom to wear what clothes I wanted, no freedom to read what I wanted, no freedom to view outside of those walls. It would be days before I would see the sun again.

Freedom as I knew it was no longer. Freedom as I had desired did not come. But that night, February 21st, 2015, I found a new kind of freedom…freedom like nothing I’d ever imagined.

Through the most difficult night of my life, I felt more alone than ever, and yet, I was never alone. I have never felt a greater embrace of comfort and peace than I felt that night. It was like God himself was sitting there next to me with His arms wrapped gently around me as I poured my heart out to Him. I cried for hours that night. I thought of my family at home. I thought of what mattered to me – God, my church family, my husband and children, writing, and teaching. It became undeniably clear that night, those were the things I needed to focus on. Those were the things that could bring life back into my empty heart.

As I sat there in that little room of four walls and a cot, I held tight to the words God had placed in my heart just days before…

“I will not die but live, and proclaim what the Lord has done.” Psalm 118:17

And the words from the song “Shoulders” by For King and Country played over and over in my mind…

“…My help comes from You
You’re right here, pulling me through
You carry my weakness, my sickness, my brokenness all on Your shoulders
Your shoulders
My help comes from You
You are my rest, my rescue
I don’t have to see to believe that You’re lifting me up on Your shoulders
Your shoulders…”

God had planted those words in my heart and mind in the weeks leading up to my suicide attempt. I feel sure it was His was of preparing me for that night. That verse and those lyrics were exactly what I needed. When nothing else mattered, when everything else was gone, taken away. When freedom no longer made sense, He provided everything I needed.

This past year has been nothing less than amazing. Don’t get me wrong, there have been some incredibly difficult times and I imagine there always will be.

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

The difference since that night is assurance. I have no doubt God met me there. I have no doubt God is with me. I have no fear of anything this world can throw my way because I know that no matter how dark my world gets, no matter what is taken from me, no matter what is done to me, God will carry me through. All I have to do is let Him.

“In my anguish I cried to the Lord, and he answered by setting me free. The Lord is with me; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?” Psalm 118:6

That night, God set me free. I have been His for as long as I can remember but there have been times, I have ran from Him, feeling so broken and so unworthy. The truth is, I am worthy because I am His.

The freedom I found was…
The freedom to trust Him and others.

The freedom to let go of myself and let God lead the way.
The freedom to believe in tomorrow.
The freedom to let my heart heal.
The freedom to understand and accept God’s grace.
The freedom to allow others to love me.
The freedom to move forward, unashamed.
The freedom to see the beauty in the broken.
The freedom to rejoice in my sufferings.

“Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us.” Romans 5:1-5

You see, I do rejoice. I would not trade the choice I made for anything. That choice led me straight into a prison, more trapped than I’d ever felt and yet that choice led me to a freedom greater than anything I could have ever imagined.

“You have freed me from my chains.” Psalm 116:16b

For months, I thought out, planned, and prepared to say goodbye. For months, I waited patiently for the right time. The truth is, there was never a right time for my plan, but what played out was His perfect plan. Through my own chaos and darkness, He met me. He held me. He comforted me. He poured His grace over me. He accepted me. He loved me.

I admit, before that night, I still doubted and wondered if He could truly love me. That night, He freed me from those doubts. He left me with full assurance that I am His and nothing can ever take that away.

“I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one will snatch them out of my hand.” John 10:28

“For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 8:38-39

Life isn’t magically okay.

I am still just an imperfect girl living in a broken world. I still suffer with depression. I still have moments where those thoughts of suicide creep into my mind. I still have days when I don’t want to get out of bed. I still worry that I am too much trouble for those who love me. I still feel so very inadequate to be a child of God and to be loved by Him. And that’s okay…because through it all, He constantly reminds me that He’s not going to abandon me. He’s teaching me His truth. He’s shown me that He will prepare me, that He will make a way, that He is using me because He chooses me. I think I’m good with that! (…more like very grateful and honored that He’d choose a mess like me!)

Truth is…He gave me the best gift that night. He gave me the freedom to believe I am His. I am His imperfect princess…perfectly imperfect.

Don’t be sad for me.
Don’t pray away my depression or those thoughts.

Rejoice with me in the freedom I have been given. Those things that hurt and sting…they keep me close to Him. If we didn’t face trials, hurt, pain, sorrows, grief, loss, and more, we wouldn’t need Him. I want to need Him with every breath I take and if that means walking through a fire the rest of my life, then so be it. I’ll walk through the fire, just to be with Him.

People said I should have at least gotten sick when I attempted to take my own life. I didn’t. Not dizzy, not nauseous, not confused, not sick…nothing. NOTHING. What I got…was FREEDOM! To God be the Glory!

Above, I shared Psalm 118:17. I will proclaim what He has done! He has set me free!

I pray you don’t have to meet Him in the darkest, lowest, most desperate place…but even if that’s where He meets you, rejoice that you are His!

You are worthy.
You are loved.
You are enough.
You are His.

“So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.” John 8:36

Choose life.
Choose joy.
Choose freedom.
It is well…with my soul.

“It Is Well With My Soul” – Matt Redman

Our scars are a sign of grace in our lives,
And Father how you brought us through
When deep were the wounds and dark was the
Night the promise of Your love You proved.
Now every battle still to come let this be our song.

It is well, (it is well)
with my soul, (with my soul)
It is well, it is well with my soul…”

 

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