Tag Archives: Struggle

Series: College Life | Adulting in a Kids World…

I’m going to go out on a short limb here and guess that most of my readers are middle aged women. There may be a few stragglers from other categories and that’s okay too (in fact, I welcome all!).

But I seriously doubt very many teenagers are dropping by and hanging around. However, I find myself surrounded by a sea of teenagers and young adults.

Why? I’m glad you asked…

College. That’s where they hang out these days.

Okay, so maybe they’re not just hanging out. I’m sure that’s not all they’re doing, in fact, being one of these “students” myself, I’m just about certain they’re doing much more than just hanging out.

They’re doing papers (or at least should be).
And papers.
And more papers.
They’re probably studying, at least a little.
They’re not sleeping very much (notice the papers and studying above).
They’re playing sports.
They’re working jobs.
They’re drinking coffee (and probably some things they shouldn’t)…and lots of it (again, notice the papers and studying).
They’re looking for boyfriends and girlfriends and just friends in general.
They’re trying to adult.
They’re paying bills (or maybe begging for coffee money from mom and dad).
They’re finding their way around in a semi-adult world.
And because they’re still kids, they’re partying, making friends, playing, etc.

In the community college atmosphere, I saw this, but ever so slightly. Being on a big 4-year campus, I’m dead in the middle of college life. Wow, culture shock?!

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When I first came to “Uni,” which is what I think these kids use as short for “University,” (I still haven’t figured out what “Sovi” is but I think maybe it’s the Student Union? Anyone that wants to help this “old” gal with college lingo, feel free!) back in August and the weeks that followed, I thought, “No way…I’m too old for this!”

And most days, I still feel that way. I mean, after all, I’ve got a husband, three kids, a dog, Bible studies, friends, church stuff, writing, part-time work with photography and subbing, and on and on. I don’t have time for this. And I don’t. But I do.

So all this time, I’ve been thinking how great it is that these kids are schooling while they’re young because at 38, I feel way too damn old! Ya know, these “youngin’s” have all the advantages…

But…

On my hour long morning commute (an hour if traffic’s good – one way | sometimes I find myself sing to Dori’s tune…“just keep driving, just keep driving!”), I have lots of thinking time (which is exhausting in itself but oh how sweet a time it can be!). This morning, I was thinking of how hard it’s been for me to adult in a kids world. I’m exhausted. I’m the girl that has always stayed up until midnight or later and never thought twice about it. Now, I find myself ready for bed before my kids are even in bed (and they go at 8:30p)! Actually, to say I’m exhausted has to be an understatement. I don’t even know a word to define how tired I am and words are my thing (after all, I’m an English major – though that doesn’t mean I’m a pro at this word thing by any means so don’t hold me at fault there, lol).

So, back to my morning drive…this morning, I was thinking…maybe I’m actually the lucky one here. Maybe instead of these kids having all the advantages, I actually am the one with the advantages. I started thinking about all the things in my life that are settled and the peace that comes with that…and how for these kids, nothing is settled.

See, I am married. I don’t have to hunt for the perfect man. I already have the perfect man for me and he’s my biggest supporter and encourager (if that’s not a word, I’m making it one!). I don’t have to date and wonder if this guy is going to be the one or if he’s the biggest jerk ever. I don’t have to go to parties and drink (been there, done that, worn out the t-shirt and realized it’s only by the grace of God I survived any of that) to have fun or wear minimal clothing to try and attract all the wrong people. I don’t have to wonder if I’ll ever have kids…I have three and certainly couldn’t do this college thing if they weren’t such awesome kids. I don’t have to worry about how I’m going to pay the bills because my husband works so hard to make sure we are taken care of and I’ve got student loans that I know I will one day have to and be able to pay back. I don’t have to worry about where I’m going to live or what I’m going to drive.

Point being…there are so many things these kids have to worry about. That list above is tiny compared to all the worries and pressures they have. I don’t have to worry about those things. Sure, I have to adult but part of that means I also have a lot more stability, security and certainty than they do. I have a family that supports me, helps around the house and in every day tasks so that I can do this adulting in a kids world thing, who pick up my slack. I’ve got friends, young and old, who are praying for me daily. I’ve got a church family that has been one of the greatest blessings from God. The support and encouragement has been amazing. I feel like I have a group of cheerleaders encouraging me daily, with the “You can do this!” and “You’ve got this!” comments.

And I’ve been down enough long, hard roads and made enough wrong turns that I know…without a doubt, somehow, I can do this and that even if I don’t, it will be okay. I don’t have the weight of what if’s on my shoulders. Most of these kids can’t say that. They don’t have that comfort or peace.

So, while I’ve looked at this thinking from the perspective of “I’m too old for this…” I think I’m realizing these “youngin’s” don’t actually have the advantage. They may have more energy (or drink more coffee) but I have peace and security that only comes through life experiences and an unfailing trust and faith in the God who has brought me through the darkest times. Kudos to me for adulting today!

While you’re here, would you please say a prayer for me…that I can be a light to these kids. I don’t know their backgrounds. I don’t know their struggles. But I do know my own and I know how hard things can be. And I know what it’s like to go through the hard times alone, without the support of family and friends. I imagine, like myself as a teen, many of these kids are facing some of those same struggles I faced. Please pray that I can be some kind of encouragement to them, a light in whatever their darkness might be.

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Making the best…

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Making the best out of what may feel like the worst…

What is your worst?

Maybe it’s…

a night of drunkenness, confusion, and bad choices
a lifetime of neglect or abandonment
a failed marriage
suicidal thoughts or attempts
witnessing or being involved in domestic violence
rape or sexual abuse
murder

Maybe it’s…

financial struggles or bankruptcy
a job loss
the loss of a loved one
infertility
feeling inadequate as a spouse, parent or child
self-hatred
an eating disorder
self-injury

Maybe it’s something else.  Whatever your worst is, please know this truth…

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.  Romans 8:28

Did you hear that, friend?  You may not believe it right now but will you please read it again and plant that little piece of truth deep in your heart.  I pray that one day, you will believe it.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.  Romans 8:28

God has not given up on you…even in your worst…especially in your worst!  He is working all things for good.  Even your worst.  That’s a truth to hold tightly.

Your worst doesn’t seem very good, does it?  I know mine doesn’t.

My worst was a childhood filled with physical and sexual abuse, neglect, and abandonment by the very people who were supposed to love, nurture and protect me.  Trust was foreign to me.  Love was engulfed with lies.  Innocence was stolen, striped away.  Years went by and with every day that passed, my shame and guilt grew.  I bore the weight of acts that were never mine to carry.  I retreated into my own little world, building walls all around me.  Those walls kept people out, protected my very fragile heart, and left me incredibly lonely and scared in what I saw as a dangerous world.

Along the way, people came into my life and showed me that life didn’t have to be as scary as I once saw it.  Little by little, I began to see that I could extend a slight be of trust…though never fully…never even close to fully.  But a little was a lot at that point.

Later, my worst led to other worsts including multiple suicide attempts (read here), many years of depression and many thoughts of dying, self-injury (cutting), eating disorders, alcoholism, smoking, promiscuity, and more.  I realize at some point, I had a choice in my actions and trust me, I have paid some pretty big consequences for those choices, but I also believe, had my innocence not been crushed as a little girl, many of those worsts would not have followed.

Today, I am a wife and mother of three amazing kids.  I have been part of a wonderful church family for nearly 16 years.  I am surrounded by some incredibly loving, caring, supportive people.  I am blessed far beyond anything I ever expected.

And you know what?

Life is still hard.

But…

Out of the worst, has come the best.

My worst, though it still leaves me with extremely painful, terrifying, and crippling moments, has also highlighted my bests.  Because of the life I have lived, my heart aches to reach out to others who are hurting, who are broken, who feel damaged and worthless, to pour the love into them that I, at many times, so desperately wanted.  Compassion is something I know well.  My ability to understand pain and to withstand pain is enormous.  I have experienced many things that allow me to be able to relate to so many others in their struggles.

We all have a worst.  Our best just might come from our worst.

In my worst, one of the things I missed the most was my voice.  Innocence was stolen from me and along with it, so was my voice.  For years, I just lived through the abuse, silently.  I couldn’t tell a soul.  I had no one to tell and even if I had told, I feared what would happen.

One night, at the age of 11 years old, I prayed for God to give me the courage to tell…

And He did.

That next day was the first time I told about the sexual abuse I had been living through for years.

Telling did not magically make things better.  Honestly, in many ways, it made things worse.  A lot worse.  Life became more difficult.  That was the first time I believed it was my fault and I began to carry the weight of all the shame and guilt.

I wrote a lot.  It was my outlet, my survival.  I have always loved to write.  I haven’t always written when I should and many of the scary things have never been put into words…even on paper, but I have, over the years, written a lot.  That’s probably why I love this blog so much.  As I’ve said before, for me, writing is like the air I breathe.  It’s a lifeline.

Even though my voice was stolen, I still had words…I could write them.  Someday, I pray He will give me the courage to speak them in front of others.  Through my worst, God has shown me some of my best.  He’s used something so horrible, so dirty, so broken, and turned it into words that have reached deep into the hearts of others.

I teach Bible studies in my church.  I am so unequipped for that but God has been with me every step of the way.  He has used these classes to grow me, teach me, and draw me closer to Him, while also blessing me with the privilege and honor of getting to know some amazing people who saw something in me and took a chance on taking my classes.  I hear many thank you’s, but honestly, I feel like the one receiving all the blessings.

God has given me a voice.  What was once stolen from me, He has made new.  He has given me a platform and a voice and each day, He gives me the courage to step out and use it.  He’s given me a heart of compassion to help others through their own struggles, to reach out to them in their time of need.  I fail often.  I will continue to mess up but my intentions are good.  He gives me grace.  Each and every day, He takes the ugliness of a life gone wrong and shows me the many ways He is making it right.

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here! 2 Corinthians 5:17

He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.  Ecclesiastes 3:11

He who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!” Then he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.”  Revelation 21:5

He is taking my worst and making something beautiful out of it.

Friend, He wants to do the same for you!

 

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An unexpected thanks…

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This year, Thanksgiving comes with a whole new view from where I stand.

This time last year, I started out on a new journey, yet it was one that was all too familiar.  As an adult, I’ve been in and out of therapy, battling depression for most of my life.  This year has been no different, only this year, it came as quite a surprise.

You see, the past four or five years have been amazing.  I have been a new person.  I thought God had miraculously healed me from all the things that haunted me.  I thought I had been made new.  And in part, that’s true.  What I’m learning though is that healing is a process, perhaps lifelong.  I have not been made new but I am being made new.  This year, my realization that I am not healed, that I still have many broken pieces that need to be put back together, has been quite the challenge all while at the same time, serving as the most amazing blessing…

This year, 2014, has been a year of so many new things…good and bad.

For starters, in March I began losing weight.  As of now, I’ve lost 58lbs.  For the most part, I’ve done it in a healthy manor.  I quit drinking anything other than water (except the occasional hot chocolate now that the weather is cooler).  I started walking 3 miles a day and for months, I did that every single day.  I also started watching what I ate, eating less and making wiser, healthier choices.  The determination and discipline was absolutely a God thing … no doubt.

I joined an in depth Bible study that has proven to not only have an impact on my relationship with Christ, but it has taught me to have closer, deeper relationships with my sisters in Christ, slowly learning to let them into my world.  My spiritual walk has grown deeper than ever.  I have felt so connected, diving into Scripture and clinging to it with every ounce of strength I have.  Nothing has proven greater than this.

I have seen people grow, share things they never imagined sharing, lean on people when they wanted to run and hide, depend on others, admit their struggles, and thrive in spite of the curves life has thrown them.  I have seen friends lay to rest their loved ones.  Some beautifully strong women have said goodbye to their husbands, their best friends.  I have seen their grief.  I have held their hands.  My heart has ached for them.  I have wrapped my arms around mothers who have said goodbye to their imperfectly perfect angels all too soon.  I have watched them as they kissed the foreheads and fingers, counted every toe and begged for just one cry, just one peek at big blue eyes.  I have watched their anguish.  I have been the parent who faced a nightmare with her own children, devastating news, shattered lives, fear, faced with uncertainty and desperation only to have the peace of God’s presence and comfort embrace every wounded place.

And I have been the woman on the edge.  I have faced new challenges with caution as I lose weight because I am weak and in my weakness, I have struggled to keep things in a healthy balance. What began as weight loss, healthy and positive, has quickly become an issue of control, and quite possibly what could be considered an eating disorder. I have struggled with old habits of cutting to numb the pain I feel because after years of not feeling then suddenly have these feelings surface, being unsure of how to handle these feelings or even how to feel them, it just seemed easier to push them away by numbing the pain.  I have been the woman faced with doubt…not doubt in a God that is mightier than anything life can throw my way, but doubt in myself…doubt that I can hang on and do this thing called life by His clock and not my own.  I have been that woman, debating whether I am strong enough to face another tomorrow.  I have seen the darkest dark.

And through it all, His light has continued to shine.  In fact, His light shines brighter than ever.  I can’t imagine a better place to be.  The peace I feel about life, the mercy and patience He has shown, the acceptance and love from the people He has placed in my path, the understanding, the unconditional love, the amazing, amazing grace!

Unexpected…every trial, every circumstance, every bit of suffering…all unexpected because after all, I was beyond all this.  I was healed.  Really though, I am far from healed.  I am completely broken and in that brokenness, He has met me.  He has carried me.  He has blessed me with some amazing women willing to walk this road along side me, who have held my hand, who have encouraged me to share, to lean on them, who wait patiently as I attempt to tear down my walls and as I begin to feel these feelings that have far too long been shut off from my world.

Unexpected thanks…but this year, I would expect nothing less.  See, this year, I am more thankful than ever.  This year, I am treasuring every single day.  I look at each person that crosses my path with a completely different lens.  I see them.  I really see them.  I ache to know them.  I want to share with them what they mean to me.  I want every person who has touched my heart to know what a gift they are.  I want every woman who is facing uncertainty and struggles to know there is hope.  I want every child who feels scared and alone to know that they are loved.  I want to be a voice for those who cannot speak.  I want to write and tell the world all the stories God has placed on my heart.  I have so many things to share and this year, I am thankful for one more day to share, to love, to cling to The One who gives me hope.  I am thankful for each and every smile, even when they cover the tears I cannot cry.  I am thankful for this darkness because as I walk through it, His light shines on my path, He guides me.  His presences is so much clearer.  I could not be more thankful than I am today.

“Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.  1 Thessalonians 5:18”

Listen to this amazing song by Steven Curtis Chapman – The Glorious Unfolding

What are you thankful for?

 

My Risk: Transparency…

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My dear friend, Suzie Eller, is hosting a blog this week on taking risks and I couldn’t wait to participate!  Be sure to visit her blog and say hi :)

I am torn between the two:  I desire to depart and be with Christ which is better by far; but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body.  Philippians 1:23-24

That was the verse I read on the morning of October 2, 2014.

I read that verse after doing a Google search.  The phrase I searched for was…

“Torn between wanting to live or die.”

Yes, at 5am, I typed in those words.  And I wanted Google to give me the answer.

I learned many things that morning.

I learned that God is in control…of everything…even Google.

I learned that God is persistent and adamant about getting His point across.  According to Google, there were 35,000,000 results for that phrase.  7 out of the top 10 were the same…a Bible verse…Philippians 1:23-24.  7 out of 10!

I learned that God has plans for me and there is purpose in my struggles.  Really, I already knew that, but God was clear with me that morning, reassuring me and reminding me.  Last week was a week of much learning and growth in my life.

As I read that verse, I have to admit, I had mixed emotions.  In some ways, it was comforting to feel that God was speaking to me, letting me know I am not alone, that a man thousands of years ago had felt the exact same feelings I was feeling, to believe I need to be here for more than just stumbling through each day.  In other ways, I was disappointed, hoping for a way out, something that would say, “It’s okay, come on home.”  God was very clear and numerous things have come up since then that only confirmed this over and over.

Later that morning, a friend and I dug through the verses before and after the ones above.  They read:

Yes, and I will continue to rejoice, 19 for I know that through your prayers and God’s provision of the Spirit of Jesus Christ what has happened to me will turn out for my deliverance. 20 I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death. 21 For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. 22 If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! 23 I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; 24 but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body. 25 Convinced of this, I know that I will remain, and I will continue with all of you for your progress and joy in the faith, 26 so that through my being with you again your boasting in Christ Jesus will abound on account of me.

As I read through that, the more clear things became.  I began to put things into perspective and think on my priorities.  Last week, after all of this, I was able to decide what’s most important and what needs to be weeded out.  I have a ministry, I have desires I believe God has placed on my heart and those are the things I want to strive for.  Those are the things I need to keep on breathing and that’s exactly what I need to do…press on.

My risks…

I am a Bible study leader.  This week, I shared this story with my class.  I was nervous.  I was afraid.  But I knew it was the right thing to do.  God had been preparing me for this…to step out of my comfort zone, to put aside the fears of what others would think, to be real and transparent, to be a voice.  I did that, with His help and through it, I gave Him all the glory.  My hope is that my honesty about my own struggles will encourage others to share and to let them know they are not alone.  After all, we are supposed to support one another and carry each others burdens (Gal. 6:2).

It was a risk.  People could have walked out of my class.  People could have been disappointed in me and questioned my ability to teach a Women’s Bible study.  I suppose they still could.  But, who would I be if I hadn’t obeyed?  Who would I be if I hadn’t stepped out, taken that risk and been honest?  I wouldn’t be me and me is exactly who God wants me to be.  No one else, just me.

And now, I take another risk by sharing this with you, the world.

What I know is that none of us are free from struggles.  We all face different trials.  We are all guaranteed to have difficult times.  But none of us should ever have to face those things alone.  We should all feel like we can tell someone.  We should all be able to get support, love and encouragement from others.  We don’t always feel like that is possible and that’s just sad.  When we are in our darkest moments, that’s when we need others the most.

I took a risk in sharing my struggle because it was the right thing to do.  Life isn’t easy.  For me, it never has been.  What I know now is God has never let me go and He promises He won’t.  He has placed people in my life that are walking along side me, and sometimes, they are helping to hold me up.  I’m learning to accept that.  I’m taking a risk by letting them in.  I’m the girl who’s spent her whole life pushing everyone away so letting people in, letting them see this vulnerability, exposing my weaknesses, my darkness, well, it’s nothing shy of terrifying but it’s so worth it.

I am confident that one day, I am going home.  But for today, God has me right here.  He has plans and a purpose.  And even though the events of last week haven’t erased the thoughts that cloud my mind, they give me hope.  He gives me strength and as long as I am here, walking on this earth, “I will continue to rejoice…I will remain, and I will continue with all of you for your progress and joy in the faith, so that through my being with you again your boasting in Christ Jesus will abound on account of me.” (Phil. 1:18-26)

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Riding the waves…

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If you’ve been around the church lately, you’ve probably heard someone say, “You can’t live by your emotions.”

Jesus said…

 “Blessed are the poor in spirit,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are those who mourn,
for they will be comforted.
Blessed are the meek,
for they will inherit the earth.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they will be filled.
Blessed are the merciful,
for they will be shown mercy.
Blessed are the pure in heart,
for they will see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers,
for they will be called children of God.
Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.”    Matthew 5:3-10

He says you’re going to struggle, you’re going to hurt, you’re going to have emotional pain, trials and suffering.  You’re going to hunger physically, emotionally and spiritually, you’re going to love and be loved, you’re going to be persecuted, attacked, criticized, ridiculed, broken.

He doesn’t expect you to wall off the emotions that come along with suffering and storms.  He knows where you are, where you’ve been and what you’re feeling.  He knows your pain is too much for anyone to have to bear.  He knows it’s not fair.

How many Christians are afraid to admit they are hurting?  Why?

We are in a fix it world.  It’s pop the latest pill, drown yourself in alcohol (not that I am against medication or alcohol but when used as an escape, it becomes part of the problem).  Fix your marriage with a mistress.  Give up on your kids cause they’re broken.  Surround ourselves with the internet and television so we don’t have to face the people near us.

Even as we walk the halls of church, we don our pretty smiles, quietly inject our “Have a great day!” and “How are you?” to each person we pass and as they say the same our way, we respond with our routine, “I’m good!” and “I’m okay!”, even when we know it’s not the truth.  How can we tell them any different?  After all, the pain and suffering is ours to bear, right?  We don’t want to be burdens or to be the latest guest for gossip.

Because we, the church, keep telling everyone that God is good and He is, but when we live our lives in judgment of others, never allowing for failures and setbacks (which I would say is the perfect opportunity for growth orchestrated by God, Himself!), we become hypocrites.  I know because I’ve been one.  I wore the pretty face and hid all my emotions and insecurities away.  I walked through the church halls asking how others were and not really hearing them.  To hear them, I had to look into their eyes because they were just as afraid, to be honest about the turmoil inside, as I was.  By looking in their eyes, it gives me the ability to see beyond the mask.  That doesn’t mean everyone is ready to share their stories, but the connection of really seeing them, letting them know you’re there, can mean the world to them.

God is good.  He is good to everyone, those in the valleys and those on top of the mountains.  He is good to all those who come to Him and He waits for those still lost in the desert.

He is good because He mourns for us.  He grieves with us.  He doesn’t leave us hanging and He doesn’t expect you to fight the battles of this world alone.  He simply wants you to seek Him, to find comfort and peace in Him.  He longs to provide you with shelter from every storm in life.  He’s waiting for YOU!

When the storm comes, ride the waves!  Don’t hang your head in shame, hold it up, with your focus on God.  He is working in your life and someday, you will see the amazing things He has and is doing in you and through you!

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A Bad Day Wrong…

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↑ See the picture?  Ever had one of those kind of days?

How do you handle things when something goes wrong?  Does it depend on the day?  The situation?  Who’s with you?  Or do you carry a similar response in any situation?

I ask because as Christians, we are often put into a category, one where standards are higher, room for failure is minimal and everything we do and say is used for or against us.  That’s not necessarily a bad thing, however, the only perfect person to ever walk the earth was Jesus Christ himself.  Even he dealt with problems, hurt and pain.

Do you feel like you are truly able to express things when you are having a bad day?  Or do you feel you have to push your feelings aside and wear the “happy mask”?

I am fully aware that tomorrow might be better but I think sometimes, we try to help one another by saying things like, “Give it to God” or “In God’s time”.  While we mean well, these don’t actually address the issue.  Sometimes, we can go a bit further directing someone to a verse that fits the subject, a prayer or both.  These may very well be just what we need and often times, soaking in God’s word has been the pill that fixed my problem at the moment.

But…

Other times, I just want someone to hear what’s on my heart.  I want someone willing to let me say it, even if it means I say it over and over until I’ve completely forgotten what I was saying.  Sometimes it feels like what I need is just to have my feelings validated, to hear “That really stinks and I’m sorry you feel that way” or “Yes, I’d be upset too!” or maybe even “Sure, you have ever right to be angry!”

More often than not, I think we just don’t know how to respond so we fall on easy phrases.  We depend on familiar words and overused lines.

Would it be so bad to dig deeper into each others heart and soul?  Aren’t we worth the effort?  The extra time?

Instead of saying, “tomorrow is a new day!”, why not validate each other by saying…

“Tell me more.”

“What’s really bothering you?”

“How are you feeling about that?”

“What do you want?”

I’m sure I’ve been the girl who’s used those common phrases but the thing is, I don’t want to be that person.  I don’t want to be her because I know how it feels to stuff all the feelings down, to feel like it would be wrong to dredge up things, to feel anything, to express any anger or sadness.

I’m also the Christian that others look to for guidance, for hope, for something more so I’m already worried about the things I say and do and how they affect those around me.  I’m already stuffing away some thoughts and feelings because I don’t want to offend or hurt someone else or because I know I should set a good example.

So today, I leave you with this…

We are all broken people.  We all have things that bother us.  We all have bad days.  We all need someone, even if we don’t want to admit it.   Sometimes, I just want to hear that it’s okay, to feel justified in my feelings.  Sometimes I just need reassurance. Sometimes I just want to let my defenses down enough to cry, which is a really big struggle for me.

Being head over heels for Jesus Christ doesn’t make me perfect like him.  It just makes me a girl who knows the standard Christian answers, who knows that God is the almighty and that yes, with him, I can get through anything, but also, a girl with real feelings, who might just need to borrow and ear or a shoulder sometime!

How about you?

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